Eureka, I found it!  I feel so relieved.  It has been a while since I’ve had a great humorous story to convey.  While I was inputting the 2nd quarter FY 2008 MSPB statistics, there it was — the Merit Systems Protection Board (MSPB) doodoo story.

Within this dehumanizing culture of federal service, GS status and coercion conveys credibility.  The higher the rank of the person making the statement, the more credible.  The more people making statements, the more credible.  And if you can get the administrative judge to agree — well, then you’ve got it in the bag.

So, there’s this DOI plumber at Lake Mead who gets accused of producing the brown matter contained in a neatly folded napkin found in the restroom.  Several months later, he get accused of smearing doodoo on the toilet paper dispenser.  The burden of proof is on the agency, which has to prove by a preponderance of the evidence, that the substance of the charge is more likely than not.  But how could it not be?  After all, six people got together to discuss this mystery ka-ka.  My favorite quote, “[Ms. Carolyn Steward] was curious about what was in the neatly folded paper towel so she retrieved the paper towel from the trash and put it in a Ziploc bag.” Yuck!  Who takes a piece of doodoo out of the trash to inspect it?  And can you imagine, “in the efficiency of government service,” there’s a bunch of highly-paid civil servants handling doodoo, rather than flushing it down the toilet where it belongs?

Anyhow, long story short, on the first instance of being confronted with these charges, guy gets canned, even with no direct evidence linking him to the fecal matter.  According to the administrative judge, this story is credible and the punishment just, even with the burden of proof on the agency.  I feel sorry for the attorney who represented this client.  He’s probably still shaking his head over the doodoo case.  So that you can see it for yourself, I’ve printed it here in PDF.* 

I swear, I just report it as it is.  (On the bright side, thank you MSPB, for printing the names of all these fecal experts.  Once they get their government retirements, perhaps there’s a new specialty career awaiting them elsewhere.) 

* UPDATE: As of 11/15/08, the PDF now includes the appellant’s name.  Originally, I wanted to protect his identity.  However, after speaking with him several times, I am convinced that in pursuit of good government, he is willing to come forward and speak out about what happened to him.  Despite the injustice that was committed here, he does want to return to serve the public.  This case is currently in the Circuit Court of Appeals, and we hope it will be remanded back to MSPB for an accurate decision.